


Vigil

by Izzu



Category: BBC Drama, Merlin (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-20
Updated: 2012-02-11
Packaged: 2017-11-10 06:56:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/463467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Izzu/pseuds/Izzu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post Season 4. Arthur looked back into the events in his life as he pondered over how Merlin had grew into someone he mostly cherished. Pseudo Reveal!fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Vigil

He never would have imagined from that very first moment he met Merlin that he would end up being so attached to him to the point that it would hurt so much at the thought that he could lose him any time. Because honestly, who would want to be close friends with someone so rude, so clumsy, so... annoying... and just about everything you would not have wanted in a friend to  _be_ your friend? And honestly, who would be friends with their own servants? It just was not done!   
  
He used to think like that, but because of Merlin... he realised that rank, nobility, the place you were born, the type of person you were born as... as well as many other things that the society dictated, did not matter when it comes to forging new friendships. Had he remained as who he used to be in the past before meeting him, he would not have had Gwen, Lancelot, Elyan, Gwaine, Percival... and of course Merlin as amongst his greatest allies.   
  
It was because of Merlin...   
  
Not sure when, but he did somehow grew to value Merlin's opinions about everything in his life. Somehow his opinions stood as important as the opinions of the many other people he had highly respected in the past. Pretty impressive actually for a mere servant. Even though Merlin often complained that he did not always listen to any of his words.   
  
Well, occasionally he  _did_  listen... though god-forbid would he ever admitted that to Merlin. He could not allow Merlin to feel any bit superior over him. His pride would not allow it. But occasionally he regretted, whenever Merlin's words of caution ended up to be true—the words of caution that he dismissed—and he wondered if things could have ended up differently if he had not dismissed any of them so rashly. Despite that he would always wonder, how  _did_ Merlin always been able to find out all of these things that happened without anyone else noticing? He always wondered... and then, when it was found out... he finally understood.   
  
Though  _occasionally_  he could not always be sure on whether or not he should listen to anything that Merlin say. Like when Merlin said that he was a prat, or that he was  _fat_ ... or any other _nicknames_  Merlin seemed to like to paste onto him. Had those been spoken by Morgana—back when they used to be on good terms with each other—he would not have taken them seriously. Or Gwen... though she would have preferred to have Merlin be the one to say it. Not sure why, but whenever Merlin said anything to him... he really felt compelled to believe it to be true. Thus he occasionally felt angry at Merlin to make himself feel overly conscious about himself to think that he had grown fat or something else without noticing. Because he could not imagine Merlin to be capable of telling a lie...   
  
" _You have no idea how many times have I saved your backside."_   
  
He had always dismissed all of that as Merlin's silly jokes. Because all of these times he always thought that _he_  was the one who had always protected Merlin. Who would have thought it was the other way around? A lot of things that Merlin had said in the past that he always dismissed as excuses for Merlin not doing his job as his manservant—looking back, had those things have been true? How could he be so oblivious all these times to not notice—but perhaps it was because of Merlin's circumstances that he had been able to learn of the many threats that had befallen Camelot in the past.   
  
" _I almost died..."_   
  
Suddenly now he wondered how many times Merlin had risked his own life to save his, aside from the few times when he was  _aware_  of it—seeing as to how often Merlin insist to remind him that there were plenty of times of  _that_  happening—he wondered what could be the reason for Merlin to do that for him. For the most parts he wondered why, since he could guess that Merlin's first impression of him would be of an idiotic prince, a bully... or just plain arrogant. He still remembered how Merlin used to appear to dislike him so much—he could still remember the look Merlin gave when his father had decreed for him to be his manservant. Must have been what his own face would look like.   
  
Certainly that was not reason enough for Merlin to want to always protect him from harm. Considering his father had been persecuting people who have magic like Merlin since as far as he could remember. And Merlin did—a few times—also saved his father's life other than his. Even if the last attempt did not work out so well. Thinking back, it was odd for Merlin to do that for his father given the circumstances.   
  
Strange as that was the main thing that he was mostly concerned about right now, and not the fact that Merlin had always been able to use magic... or the fact that there were  _two_  dragons—that should not have existed still—appearing to be very much  _alive and not extinct_ and had been freely prowling inside his kingdom, unwatched. Despite the latter two issues should have been his main concerns, considering the law his father had enacted against magic, its users as well as the related magical creatures.   
  
Somehow he realized that all of that was not important—because that belief that all magic users were evil are wrong and that it was wrong to kill people who just happened to have magic when they did nothing to hurt anyone. Or that it was not right for them to take the life of any other magical creatures just because they were magical. For some reason now, he was actually strangely relieved that there were still magical creatures around! Not just of the unicorns... but also the dragons...   
  
And now... instead of wanting to kill Merlin for being a sorcerer or the fact that Merlin had lied to him for so long; for hiding these facts from him all these times, he only wanted for Merlin to  _live_ ... and to always be by his side till the day he die. That was not such a selfish wish... if he could say so himself.   
  
Merlin had been—always been—one of his most important friends. Merlin had always treated him as himself, not because he was a royalty but because he was Arthur. He would bite his tongue if ever Merlin finds out about these thoughts... or maybe, he just would not care.   
  
When Lancelot died, he had felt that hurt. Even though he have not known the man for so long. If Merlin should die...   
  
He thought his life was going to end so soon, that his reign as king of Camelot would be so short... when Morgana had cornered him with no escape route to avoid her finishing blow. But then Merlin had appeared from nowhere and received the hit instead, before—to his surprise—suddenly retaliating with his own magic to counter hers. And it appeared that Morgana was also so surprised over that revelation—he wondered when again their paths would cross after this—that she was thrown away from the attack. The battle had abruptly ceased for the day... before another one would come later. He would worry about those future battles another time but still...   
  
Merlin had gotten himself gravely hurt during this one. And somehow he wondered if he would still be able to remain victorious without Merlin by his side.   
  
How silly. To think how much impact Merlin had done to his life. All these times. To lose him now...   
  
Arthur sighed to himself before clasping Merlin's hand into his own, tightly. It seemed ridiculous for him to start feeling as if he was about to cry when he had told Merlin not to do so in the past. That no one should be worth one's tears... but perhaps there are exceptions to that. Because right now, Merlin was not his servant. He was his friend.   
  
To be able to see Merlin smile clumsily at him again, or call him names or teasing him that he needed to lose weight, that would be something precious and worth waiting for. He would not have given that up for any other treasures in the world. As much as he would not give Gwen up for any other trivial reasons...   
  
Arthur fell into an uneasy sleep, as he continued praying for Merlin's life. It would be a few more hours later—at which by then, he would have already fallen into a deep sleep—when a frail hand barely caress his hair and faintly scolded the dollop-head who should be heading back into his own bedroom and not sleeping on the wrong side of someone  _else's_  bed.


	2. Flashback 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post Season 4. Pre-Vigil. An unexpected attempt on Arthur's life lead to another unexpected revelation.

Few days prior...   
  
" _Forbærne! Ácwele_ !"   
  
Arthur could barely think of what to do as he sat on the ground, unarmed and vulnerable. He could fight anyone and anything that used physical weapons or solid, but against the users of  _magic_ ? Last time it had been lucky that Morgana had not been able to use her magic to retaliate—for some reason—this time, he could not count on luck to save himself from this!   
  
Without warning Arthur felt himself being pushed aside before hearing the sound of a blast and heat, reaching his senses. He looked up to see Merlin standing before him, trying to thwart the blast of fire Morgana had conjured... merely by using his sword, Excalibur. Oddly... though he thought he remembered hearing Merlin saying that the sword was not just an ordinary one. He never really convinced about that aside from knowing for certainty that the sword had been finely crafted. Now, he wondered if the sword was truly magical—since such feat could not be made possible if it had been just an ordinary sword. But still...   
  
"Merlin! Don't be reckless! You can't possibly keep that up—!"   
  
Just as he said it, Merlin's hold on the sword faltered before the magical blast hit his manservant's body squarely on the chest. Merlin staggered before Arthur caught him from falling. He flinched, looking at the damage on Merlin's body before his friend started to cough out blood.   
  
Morgana laughed.   
  
"Serves you right! See what your  _loyalty_  brought you now!" she said as Arthur stared at her angrily. But before he could respond, Merlin shoved him aside as he struggled to stand using Excalibur as support.   
  
"I won't... let you... hurt Arthur!"   
  
Morgana laughed again, as her own dishevelled appearance enhanced her aura of madness. "How'd you do that,  _Merlin_ ? Don't think this time I'd easily _allow_  you to  _poison_  me again without my knowledge! How could you  _save_  Arthur when you could barely stand yourself?"   
  
Merlin grinned despite looking so frail. "I don't think you should underestimate me. A lot of people did that..." said Merlin, before holding out a hand towards Morgana before continuing.   
  
" _Ic her aciege anne windræs! Færblæd wawe! Windræs ungetermed - ge hiere! Ic ðe bebiede mid ealle strangnesse ðæt ðu geblæwest ond sierest strange! Ge spurne þeos hægtesse!_ "   
  
Despite the state he was in, his voice came out loud and strong as Morgana was taken aback. Merlin's eyes glowed golden as Morgana gasped aloud.   
  
"Merlin! You... you had magic? All these times? Why? Why don't you side with  _me_ ? Why did you protect  _Arthur_ ? Are you—!" she cried out as Morgana tried to counter Merlin's whirlwind. But just as her powers had been useless when confronting Merlin before, this time was no different as Morgana was thrown further aback. Morgana had screamed in anguish before being thrown away.   
  
Arthur blinked as he thought he saw something  _white_ , flying in the background. He shook his head as he told himself that it was an illusion and turned his thoughts towards the present.   
  
All these times, he had seen Morgana and Morgause use their magic against Camelot. Never he thought there would be anyone else able to match up against them—much less Merlin—in terms of power and ability.   
  
Arthur turned towards Merlin as he tried to make sense the scene he had just watched. Merlin,  _his_ Merlin... had magic and he had used his magic  _against_ Morgana in order to  _protect him_ . But this do not make sense! Magic... for as long as he could remember, was pure evil. There was no such thing as  _good_ magic. Yet he could barely recall an old memory of that mysterious ball of blue light that had helped him in the past...   
  
Merlin staggered as if the effort of conjuring the whirlwind earlier had taken all of the energy he had for keeping himself upright. He pulled out Excalibur from the ground before turning towards Arthur. Arthur held his breath as Merlin gave him the most saddened look ever graced the face of his manservant.   
  
"Merlin?" Arthur started to say before Merlin began stepping backwards.   
  
Suddenly, the ground started to crack and crumble as Merlin's foot touched air. Arthur tried to call out as Merlin started to lose his balance. Without thinking, Arthur dashed out to try grabbing Merlin's hand before he too had fallen from the edge of cliff.   
  
_Oh great, now I'm about to fall on my death alongside my servant who also had magic!_ , thought Arthur as he continued falling, which was quite surreal considering that he was strangely...  _calm_ ... about this. Arthur closed his eyes as he waited for his death to arrive.   
  
Yet, that did not happen as he heard a loud roar and suddenly something big had grabbed his body whole before flying away.   
  
_Oh good! Instead of falling to our deaths, I'm about to get eaten by a giant monster!_   
  
Arthur opened his eyes to find that a giant claw had held him in place, stopping his descent as the grounds below swept past his feet. He turned his glance to his side to find that the monster that had captured him also got Merlin on its other claws. He frowned. Merlin appeared to have passed out, yet he was still firmly holding Excalibur on one hand as if reluctant to leave it behind. He wondered about it as the creature gradually landed on ground before releasing them from its claws.   
  
Arthur glanced back towards Excalibur before warily looking around for the creature. He turned to make a move towards Merlin before another voice stopped him.   
  
" _**I wouldn't do that if I were you...** _ " Arthur jerked his head up as the giant creature flew back down on the grounds near the unconscious Merlin. He gasped as he recognized the creature.   
  
Kilgharrah cocked his head to the side before looking down towards Merlin.   
  
" **I** _**would dare to assume that you intend to recover the possession of your sword. Though... I wonder to whom do you intend to deliver that strike you're intending to give using the sword.** _ "   
  
Arthur blinked, rather stupidly. For once, he had not been thinking anything past recovering his sword back... just so he could at least feel safe. Now that the great dragon had reminded him, he wondered which or who would be the one he would strike. Would he try to attack the dragon? But if it was still alive right now, then that must mean his attempt at killing the dragon several years ago did not leave a scratch... unlike what _someone_  seemed to have convinced him. Yet, aside from the dragon...   
  
Arthur turned his eyes towards Merlin. Merlin had magic, and judging to how powerful it had been earlier... as well as past recollections where strange occurrences tend to  _happen_  when Merlin was nearby, it should not be wrong to think that Merlin had been practising magic for a very long time. Right under his nose, unbeknownst to others... or not really, considering the several occurrences where Merlin had directly or indirectly claimed or be accused of having magic.   
  
Merlin had magic... all these times, and he had hid this from him for a very long time. All these times... while  _always_  remaining by his side. Never telling him, keeping this secret from him.  _Lying to him all these times!_   
  
_Magic is evil... there would be no good coming from people who uses magic._   
  
He immediately thought of Morgana... Morgause... Nimueh...   
  
Magic was evil. Morgana had magic and she was evil. If that argument was correct and that applied to everyone that has magic, did that mean... Merlin... was he...   
  
Arthur was so afraid of finishing that thought.   
  
" _I won't let you hurt Arthur_ !"   
  
Yet... earlier, Merlin had  _defended_  him against Morgana. How could he... when he was  _the same_  as her—wait, that was wrong! For as long as he could remember, Merlin had always supported  _him_ ... helping him throughout his journey since the time he had been the crown prince... until now. How could Merlin do that... if he... if he had  _magic_ ? Seeing that he told Merlin so often in the past that he hated magic, since every time something bad had happened to him... magic had always been involved. If Merlin had magic... how could he remain by his side and not be offended by the frequency of him speaking out aloud on the  _evils of magic?_   
  
Yet... he could not erase what he had seen with his own eyes...   
  
Was Merlin... good... or bad? Friend... or enemy?   
  
Arthur wished it was not the latter; it had hurt so much when he had learnt that Morgana had betrayed him. That Agravaine... his own  _uncle_ , the only remaining relative of his  _own_ mother... was a  _traitor_ . If Merlin, the person he had grown so attached to... the man whom he had grown to trust, to care a lot... to value a lot... turned out to be a double-crossing enemy—he did not want to live in this world any longer. Not Merlin... not  _his_ Merlin...   
  
He must have looked very much despondent if the next words the dragon spoke had been related.   
  
" _**You looked as if you were stuck between two unwanted predicaments.** _ "   
  
Arthur stared at the dragon oddly since he could swear that the dragon was giving him a peculiar look. The dragon...  _snorted_ ?   
  
" _**Many thoughts must have entered your mind right now** _ ..." said the dragon suddenly, " _**—but anything that you might be thinking, I should WARN you.** _ "   
  
If Arthur was scared... he was not showing it. But he was sure that the dragon meant business... whatever it was it wanted to say.   
  
" _**Do not attempt to try to kill the young warlock, or you shall live to regret it. Do not kill the one who had always been an ally to you... protecting you from the shadows.** _ "   
  
Arthur blinked again.  _Warlock?_  His eyes fell on Merlin. Was that dragon referring to Merlin?   
  
The dragon started to turn his attention towards Merlin before gently nudging his body with its head.   
  
" _**Are you all right... Merlin?** _ "   
  
Suddenly all thoughts inside his head vanished as Arthur braved himself to come nearer towards them. As he stepped closer, he could have sworn he heard another voice—slightly weaker and softer—replying to the dragon's query. Hope suddenly surged into his heart at the thought that Merlin was still alive... despite his earlier conflict.   
  
"I-is... he all right?"   
  
The dragon looked up towards Arthur. It looked down again as if noticing that Merlin had passed out again.   
  
" _**Merlin would be fine. No matter how many time he may have chosen to be so reckless with his own life... he would not die so easily,** _ " said the dragon before breathing out something towards Merlin.   
  
" _**There... I've healed his body. Merlin should regain consciousness once the rest of him had recovered. That amount of magic used had taken a toll on his body... he'll need time to recover that strength.** _ "   
  
The dragon stepped away before looking at Arthur cautiously.   
  
Arthur slowly bent down towards Merlin as he noticed that the man had looked less pale as compared to before they had fallen from the cliff. He poked Merlin as the man did not respond. He turned around as he noticed the dragon started to move.   
  
"A-are... you... going to leave us here?"   
  
The dragon stared at him as if amused.   
  
" _**As if you cannot return home by yourselves...** _ " The dragon cocked its head, "— _**and despite my earlier supposition, I do not think that you're even slightly capable of slaughtering Merlin in cold blood.** _ "   
  
"I am... capable... of that..." said Arthur unconvincingly as the dragon laughed before flying away.   
  
Arthur looked down again as he eyed the man before him. Merlin was unguarded now... so vulnerable—if he should try to kill him now, it would not be so hard...   
  
He hastily grabbed Excalibur from nearby and prepared to impale the sword into Merlin's body. Yet, as the tip of the sword graced Merlin's faintly rising and sinking chest... his resolve faltered. His hand shook before throwing the sword to the side. Arthur grabbed Merlin's body and shook it as he willed him to wake up.   
  
"Oi... wake up! Wake up Merlin!"   
  
Arthur frowned as he tried to willed himself not to cry. Why should he be feeling sorrow in his heart when he should be angry.  _Really_ angry... considering the most trusted person in his whole life had been hiding the  _biggest_  secret about himself.  _Merlin had LIED... about himself... to him!_   
  
Yet...   
  
He recalled that old memory in his father's old chamber, when his father had lain on his lap... slowly dying. He recalled the other time when Merlin had pushed him aside and allowed himself to be attacked by the Dorocha, in order to  _protect_  him. He recalled the look of sadness Merlin gave him before falling off the cliff...   
  
Arthur held Merlin's body close to him. Despite the dragon's claim that it had healed Merlin's injuries—Merlin's body right now was so  _cold_ ... so frail...   
  
Tears started to well in his eye, blurring his vision.   
  
"Oi wake up... idiot!" said Arthur, his voice already starting to break. "You can't  _die_ yet. You can't... there's still a lot of explaining you have to do..."   
  
Arthur buried his face against Merlin's cheek.   
  
"Don't leave me... yet."   
  
xxx   
  
Arthur slowly dragged his feet towards the gates of Camelot. How he managed to find the strength to do that, he was not sure. Merlin's weight on his arms barely made a difference, the only thought inside his head was that... he had to get them  _home_ ...   
  
A flurry of men suddenly rushed towards them as Arthur could barely recognise anyone. Merlin was taken away from his arms, someone  _embraced_  him... squeezing his shoulders... but all he felt was a sense of numbness.   
  
_Merlin's smiles... that voice that was always, constantly teasing him. That ever supporting face that always gave him strength to continue fighting..._   
  
Arthur collapsed onto the ground as if his legs appeared to lose all feelings and gave way to weakness. A sudden realization hit him, as fast as the ground did.   
  
He did not want to lose Merlin. Magical or  _not_ magical.


	3. Flashback 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post Season 4. Pre-Vigil. Accepting the truth about Merlin proved to not be an easy task. Especially if you had been raised to hate magic, as well as seeing more of the evils people do by using magic.

Walking towards the physician's chambers seemed like walking inside a dream. A part of himself was scared of what he would discover beyond that room, a part of him was chastising him for bringing back a  _sorcerer_  to be treated... and not leaving him for dead in the forest.  
  
 _But this was Merlin! And he was hurt..._ , his heart argued. But another part of him—his mind—the part of him that had long been nurtured by his father's beliefs and hatred towards magic, kept reminding him that people like Merlin were evil... or supposed to be.  
  
Yet, as much as he wanted to believe that to be true, he still could not wholly believe that magic was completely evil. For one, there were the druids... and they were  _peaceful_  people. Also, despite the fact that magic  _was_  the cause of his mother's death... if not because of magic, he would not even have been  _born_ . And Merlin... he had been by his side all these times, had he not always been supporting him when people he thought were his trusted allies had betrayed him?  
  
The great dragon had said before, that Merlin had always supported him—and he knew that to be true. Merlin had always been there for him and Arthur had trusted him with his life, and that was  _before_  he knew Merlin had magic. Did the fact now that he knew that Merlin had magic,  _changed_  that? Did that made Merlin suddenly become  _evil_ ? Was that possible? Merlin had never tried to hurt him—he even risked his own life to save him from Morgana. No, so many times in the past... Merlin had  _always_  risked his life for him. It would be hard to believe all that to be lies.  
  
And the dragon was right, he could not kill Merlin. Because if he do, that would be the same as killing half of himself. Even if Merlin was just a  _servant_ , he was not  _just_  his servant. To him, Merlin was a good friend, advisor, supporter... a man whom he had trusted, as important as one of his own flesh and blood. Hark, Merlin was  _better_  than a family member... if Morgana and Agravaine should be compared. That kind of person... was it even possible to be an enemy of his?  
  
 _But Merlin had magic! Magic was evil!_ , his father's words came to mind.  
  
 _But Merlin was my friend! He was one of the most important person in my life!_ , his heart argued again. And without Merlin, he  _knew_  that he would not have remained to be alive now. If Merlin should die, people should just condemn  _himself_  to die as well.  
  
Arthur moaned softly.  
  
What should he do? What should be the  _right_  thing for him to do?  
  
The door in front of him suddenly opened as Gaius gave a cry to find Arthur standing in front of him.  
  
"Goodness! You surprised me, sire. What're you doing out here, Arthur... come in!", said Gaius as he pulled Arthur inside the room. Arthur fidgeted by himself as suddenly he felt awkward being inside this chamber with Gaius.  
  
Gaius shook his head as he picked up his satchel. "I was wondering why haven't you arrived earlier, the knights said that both of you had returned together. Are you hurt?", he asked again as Arthur waved the concerns away. Gaius nodded in understanding. "Merlin was inside his own room, if you wanted to see him you may do so—"  
  
"Wait, Gaius... where're you going?" said Arthur suddenly.  
  
Gaius paused as he was about to go out before turning. "I've noticed that Merlin's injuries wasn't so life-threatening, yet the fact that he had not wakened up worries me. I wanted to make a tonic that might help revive him but I'll need to get the herbs for it first."  
  
Arthur nodded his head absently but just then, another thought appeared inside his head. Gauis was  _formerly_  a sorcerer... and Merlin had been under his care ever since he first arrived in Camelot. And many times in the past, whenever there was an incidence of Merlin almost been accused or punished on suspicion of sorcery... Gaius had always been too quick to deny it. Could it be that...  
  
"Gaius... did you know that Merlin had magic?"  
  
That look of alarm... as he had thought. Gaius had always  _known_ . Was it the same with Morgana as well?  
  
Arthur stared at the old man meaningfully. "You  _knew!_  Why don't you tell me?"  
  
"Would you  _trust_  him if you knew? Arthur, no matter what you think about magic and the people who wields it—I assure you that Merlin wishes no harm on you. In fact, his life's work was to make sure that you continued to live on to become a great king of a great kingdom!  _You_  yourself should have known  _that_ very well. You  _know_  where his loyalties lie. With  _you,_ " said Gaius passionately before excusing himself.  
  
Arthur turned his head towards Merlin's room.  
  
"Sire...", Arthur turned back towards Gaius, "Whatever you may be feeling right now, sire... you have to believe me—Merlin had done a lot and sacrificed a lot for your sake, even if you have never realize it half the time. Regardless of his magic and the secrets he had kept from you, the things he had been fighting for and the things you yourself had fought and bled for... they are the same. Before you do whatever it is you're planning, please think it over carefully. I know Merlin quite well to understand that he cared about you for far too much, much more than his own life."  
  
Arthur frowned as he realised how true Gaius's words had been. When has it ever a time that Merlin  _did not_  try to get himself killed, when the situation came that looked like his life was in danger? Arthur could barely keep track of the number of times Merlin recklessly endangered his own life just to protect him. He used to think that it was because Merlin was an idiot, but looking back into it now... he wondered if the reason Merlin had always been so reckless was  _because_  he had magic. But having magic did not mean that Merlin was invincible—it was as good as his skills as a swordsman and warrior, that was no reason to get overconfident that you would not get hurt during a fight! And Merlin had often got himself hurt...  
  
Arthur felt his strength leaving him again as he was caught between anger and bewilderment.  _Merlin, that fool!_  
  
He turned towards Gaius again.  
  
"Gaius, are you  _sure_  that this tonic would make him better?"  
  
The old man shrugged. "I should hope so. It does seem that Merlin was merely fatigued and his injuries did not look too deep to make him so frail. If this tonic do not work, I'm not even sure what else could be the problem!"  
  
Arthur sighed.  
  
"Well... he  _did_  got hurt badly earlier. But that was before... the great dragon—" He hastily turned towards Gaius, the fire suddenly returned into his eyes. "Gaius, you'd better make him better. If anything happens to Merlin before I get my answers I'll shut you into the dungeon for all the lies and deception you and Merlin threw at me!"  
  
Gaius blinked in surprise before nodding his head.  
  
"I'll... try my best... sire,"  
  
xxx  
  
Arthur slowly entered Merlin's room before closing the door behind him. Looking at the sleeping Merlin, all of his earlier confusions... frustrations... came back into his head.  
  
"It is your fault! You shouldn't have  _lied_  to me! I've  _trusted_  you... you should have  _told_  me!" he shouted as silence greeted him back.  
  
" _Would you trust him if you knew?"_  
  
Arthur moaned as he leaned against the wall in anguish. All along... Merlin had done all that he could to make him trust him. There was never a word that Merlin had spoken to make him ever doubting him. He could always confide with Merlin, regardless of anything. Whatever it had been that he had done in the past that he did not want his father to know or anyone else in that matter, Merlin had always been the one he approached. There was never a thing that he have not dragged Merlin along—somehow without realizing... he had always involved Merlin with his antiques. Yet Merlin never refused him. Merlin had  _never_  pushed him away. In contrast...  
  
" _That is why you should **never**  have trusted magic. There was nothing good coming from magic! People who have magic should not be  **trusted**!"_  
  
Arthur sobbed as he allowed himself to collapse on the floor. It was  _his_  fault.  _He_  pushed Merlin away... even though he never realized he  _did_  such a thing. He gave no indication to Merlin that he could trust  _him_  with his secret. Yet even then, Merlin had risked his life for him...  _over and over..._  
  
"I am sorry... Merlin. I'm so sorry...!"


	4. Flashback 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post Season 4. Pre-Vigil. Arthur wondered about what was the right thing to do. Being stuck between doing what his heart want to do and his mind insisted to be right, was not a good place to be in.

" _Merlin..."_   
  
Merlin stared back at him, eyes glistened with unshed tears. His lips started to quiver, as if trying to say something... yet no words had come out. Arthur bit his lips as he tried to will his legs to start moving towards Merlin.   
  
Suddenly, Merlin started to move as well... but backwards. Arthur's eyes darted towards Merlin's feet as he realized the close proximity of the edge of the cliff to where Merlin was standing.   
  
_Oi idiot! What're you doing? You're going to fall!_   
  
He tried to shout out those words, yet Arthur could not get his voice to respond to his will. He wanted to shout at Merlin, to tell him to stop moving... but his voice just did not want to work.   
  
When the grounds started to break and Merlin's legs started to slip, Arthur lurched to try grabbing on Merlin's hand...   
  
xxx   
  
" Merl—!"   
  
His head started spinning as Arthur hit his head against the wall. He blinked as he was back inside Merlin's room.   
  
_Ah, that was just a dream_ ..., he thought as Arthur dragged himself onto his feet. Arthur rubbed his eyes and throbbing head as he wondered how long he had fallen asleep. Merlin would have laughed at him at the pathetic state he was in right now.   
  
He turned his attention towards the bed, where his  _servant_  remained unconscious.   
  
"— _I… would ride down the mouth of hell for you_ ... _"_   
  
He recalled Sir Leon's words to him that time, the day before they reclaimed Camelot after Morgana have taken over it for the second time. Merlin had said that he would gladly join him—even to the mouth of hell—if he deemed it. And many other times before... Merlin made similar vows to him.   
  
How could he question Merlin's loyalty to him after all these times  _just_  because he now learned that Merlin had magic? After what he claimed at the druid shrine before, that he would respect the druids and not persecute them unjustly any more without valid reasoning? He told Merlin before, that those words he said were just to please the dead spirits but truthfully? Those words had been true, those were his sincerest feelings. Because he  _did_  feel regret over the tragedy he unwittingly unleashed in the past.   
  
He recalled that look Merlin gave him after he cast Morgana away, using a very powerful spell. Merlin looked regretful as if he had been wishing that Arthur would not have to learn that he had magic. The very fact that Merlin tried to shy away from him after that, proved that Merlin was afraid of his reaction regarding this revelation. And somehow, looking back... he did not feel that he could  _blame_  Merlin for not trusting him to accept this revelation in a calm way.   
  
Arthur recalled the times he had witnessed the burnings and beheadings of the people that had been proven or accused to have dealt with anything magic by his father. He recalled  _that_  time when a simple raid on a druid camp turned ugly. Those were not a good sight to be witnessed. And despite him  _not_ agreeing fully about his father's past decisions of punishing those people without giving a chance for them to defend their actions, with the many incidents he had faced in the past where he had been hurt, enchanted and manipulated by magic; he could not deny that he would always be wary about people who had magic.   
  
He recalled that time when Gaius... and Gwen had nearly be burned at the stake because of some falsely made accusations...   
  
Could he really... put  _Merlin_ ... in that...? Would he do the same thing... as his father would do in this situation had he learnt of the truth about Merlin?   
  
" _You're no different to your father than you think you were..._ _"_   
  
Morgana had told him  _that_  before, yet at the same time he also realized that Morgana had also turned into a similar person as his father—just, instead of fearing and hating magic... she hated the people who persecuted those who could not accept magic and unleashed her fury on them. But he was not... _exactly_  like his father.   
  
Somehow he wondered, if his father had not been too fearful and hateful about magic... could Morgana have turned out to be different? He wondered, if he had been more open about magic... and aware that Morgana had magic; could he have saved her? Would Morgana had remained to be the loving older _sister_  he once knew? Would Merlin... turned to  _evil_  like Morgana if he continued to blindly oppose magic and not accepting that there might also be  _good_ people that could wield magic?   
  
Arthur hastily shook his head. No, Merlin was not like that. He was far too kind for that. Knowing Merlin, he would bear all the hurt... all the insult, to continue trying his best to gradually open Arthur's heart towards re-accepting magic to be neither good nor evil. At the cost of his own life! He bit his lips as the thought finally sank in.   
  
Was this  _not_  the very thing that Merlin was doing?   
  
"Don't you  _dare_  die on me... Merlin," said Arthur, his voice hoarse.   
  
The door opened as Gaius gave another cry towards him. He jumped.   
  
"Arthur! I thought you've already left  _ages_ ago! I didn't hear any sounds..."   
  
Arthur shrugged. "I guess I fell asleep earlier...", he said sheepishly as Gaius shook his head.   
  
"You should return to your chambers, sire... and rest properly. After all, both of you had been out in the forest for a day and a half."   
  
Arthur remained quiet as he noticed Gaius was holding a vial of liquid in his hand—possibly that tonic he said he wanted to make earlier—as he walked to Merlin's bedside to help Gaius with it. He frowned as he noticed Merlin's body still feel frail under his touch.   
  
"Keep him upright and hold his nose...", said Gaius as Arthur did as told. The old man carefully poured the content of the tonic as it ran down Merlin's throat. Arthur lowered Merlin back onto the bed as Gaius sighed. He waited for the tonic to show its effect.   
  
"Nothing happened..."   
  
Gaius gave him a look that could have killed... or at least sent him running had he been much younger.   
  
"I'm a  _physician_ , Arthur... not a  _miracle worker_ . We'll see what happens tomorrow if there was any change. Now  _you_ ... sire, need to get back to your chambers and  _rest_ ."   
  
"Can't you...  _magicked_  him...  _or something_ ..." said Arthur before Gaius gave him  _another_  look as if he had sprouted another head. He hastily excused himself from the chambers to return to his own.   
  
What was he thinking? Using magic to try to—just because he found out that Merlin could use magic did not mean that he could just...   
  
But seeing Merlin like this... did not sit well on him. It had been bad when Merlin had fallen ill after drinking the wine from his poisoned chalice. It had scared him  _a lot_  when Merlin rammed through into a Dorocha and turned ice cold—it was different when Merlin had collapsed much earlier during the banquet, since that one was probably because Merlin did not care about his body well enough and not because some evil spirit about to kill him—because that was as close to death Merlin could have gotten into. Though it  _had_  been a relief, seeing Merlin did not die right away. He had wondered why—but he tried not thinking too much about it  _then_ —but at least he knew why now. And that time when Merlin had been slashed so deeply...   
  
It did not sit well on him  _seeing_  Merlin  _not_  being his cheerful and goofy self. It gave him uneasy feelings whenever Merlin said anything uncharacteristic to him as if foreshadowing that he would die the next moment...   
  
To have Merlin really  _die_ ... he was not sure he could handle it. They have gotten to be so close to the point of inseparable...!   
  
_But Merlin shouldn't be dying... the dragon **said**  that it has already  **healed**  Merlin's injuries from Morgana's attack_ , thought Arthur as he kicked a stray candle lying on the corridor floor—who on earth leave  _that_  lying around like that? People could accidentally trip on it!—before entering his chambers. So why did Merlin not wakened up yet?   
  
Then again, what would happen next? Once Merlin got well again, what should he do? He could not  _possibly_  erase that knowledge about Merlin having magic off of his head! Magic was a  _crime_  in this kingdom, he could not let Merlin off when he had others punished for using magic! And yet he could not... make himself give that order to have Merlin be executed! Even if it would be someone else doing the deed...   
  
But then, he  _gave_  his words last time that he would not persecute the druids if they did nothing wrong!—then again, could Merlin be considered a  _druid_ ? And what wrong have Merlin done actually? Save him a lot of time? If he should punish Merlin for that reason, he might as well called himself crazy. Who on their right mind would drop a death sentence on the people who had done everything they could to protect you from harm?   
  
Why did Merlin had to have had magic?   
  
"Aah! This was a painfully excruciating dilemma of a confusion!" Arthur cried out before throwing himself onto his bed.   
  
"What dilemma are you talking about, Arthur?"   
  
Arthur jumped as he hastily sat up from the bed to face Gwen. Gwen smiled.   
  
"I was worried. You've been out of it since you've returned and I assumed that you've been with Merlin after that, and then no one else have seen you since—is there something wrong? How's Merlin?"   
  
Arthur allowed Gwen to wrap her arms around him as he sighed. "Still not opening his girly eyes. Honestly... what  _did_  Merlin think he is? Some sleeping damsel in distress?" he exclaimed as Gwen giggled at him. Arthur screwed his eyes around. Did he just... said that? God... hopefully Gwen did not tell Merlin he said that.   
  
Gwen continued to giggle. "You're worried!" She smiled as she noticed the faint tint of redness on her king's cheeks. "There's nothing wrong with that—though, what was this dilemma you're talking about? Does it have anything to do with Merlin? What happened actually? The knights said that all of you had been ambushed by bandits but then both you and Merlin disappeared!"   
  
Arthur shrugged. "It wasn't  _just_  normal bandit. It's Morgana...", he said as Gwen let out a gasp. Arthur studied his queen's face. Should he tell her? But he did not want Gwen to bear this secret along with him... though with regards to Merlin, who knows what was Gwen's reaction on it when she found out. It might get complicated if more people knew of this... though as far as he could remember, Gwen did not fear magic as much as his father used to be to the point of aggression...   
  
Arthur shook his head. "It's nothing. My mind had been so cluttered these few days I can't think properly. And with Merlin like this..."   
  
Gwen held his hands tightly.   
  
"Merlin  _will_  be all right! You'll see..." said Gwen as her voice soothed the calamity inside Arthur's mind. "Things will get back to normal, Merlin would be well again. Haven't it been like this all along? This was not the first time Merlin got hurt, he'd overcome it again... I'm sure of it!"   
  
And then, that troubling notion returned. Would things returned to normal again, now that Arthur  _knew_  about Merlin's magic? He sighed before glancing towards Gwen, his eyes clearly reflecting his sadness as Gwen noticed it.   
  
"I wonder..."


	5. Flashback 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post Season 4. Pre-Vigil. Arthur realised that he did... missed Merlin's presence by his side.

Arthur turned and twisted and rolled... until suddenly he fell from the bed. He jerked himself awake in shock to find out that it was already morning. He gaped at the ceiling of his sleeping chamber.   
  
Where in Camelot had the nights gone to?   
  
"Sire... your breakfast's ready..."   
  
Arthur immediately went stiff and looked over his bed to find George arranging the wide array of fruits and delicacies onto his table. He gaped at the servant.  _At this rate there'll be no wonder if I **did**  get fat!_ , Arthur thought before rolling his eyes at the absurdity of the thought. Merlin had influenced him so much that he could not even allow himself to be pampered too much.   
  
" _George_ ... don't you think this had been a bit  _too much_  for a breakfast?"   
  
The servant looked at him curiously. "It was? But sire, you have not minded it the last time I served you this..."   
  
Arthur rolled his eyes at him. "Well, I  _mind_  it right now! Take all of it away... oh, leave that plate with the cheese and sausages and drumsticks. I'll take that..."   
  
George nodded his head before gathering the bowl and plates of fruits.   
  
"Ah, is there anything else you need of me... sire? Like readying your clothes or preparing your bath water—"   
  
"No... no, nothing! I could do it myself! Just go!" cried Arthur as he slammed his head on the mattress of his bed. Already, he missed Merlin dreadfully.   
  
_Even though Merlin had magic?_   
  
Arthur looked up to stare at the ceiling as he wondered about these  _voices_  he kept hearing ever since he found out about Merlin's secret. Though mostly those voices had been of his late father's, chastising him for letting himself being lax towards a sorcerer—even though at the moment said  _sorcerer_  was in fact his own loyal servant.   
  
That voice in his head kept bugging to remind him that  _all_  sorcerers  _lied_ , and the fact Merlin  _lied_ as well about himself.  _But with Camelot's law like that could you blame Merlin for hiding his secret?_ , he argued as usual but as if those voices would take heed. Merlin that he knew was not that stupid as to commit suicide without reason...    
  
Arthur sighed. He could not believe that he was less  _concerned_  about Merlin having magic and more of the fact that Merlin lied—then again, that was wrong. To think, he was actually angry that Merlin never thought of wanting to properly  _tell_ him about this instead of letting him find out like this... or...   
  
_Ah... thinking things through is hard..._   
  
" _Don't think too hard about it... or you might hurt yourself..."_   
  
Arthur sobbed. Stupid Merlin. Was  _that_  the only amount of faith Merlin had in him to be able to use his brain once a while? He could  _use_  his brains actually... he was not  _that_  stupid!   
  
"Arthur?"   
  
Arthur raised his head to find Gwen looking back at him. He shrugged.   
  
"Guinevere! Ah... don't worry about me. I guess I'm so used to Merlin, I—then again  _George_  had always been such a bore..." he said before standing up.   
  
Gwen smiled as she gave him a quick hug. "I understand... I'll get the bath ready—" she hastily raised a hand before Arthur could argue, "I  _know_  I'm not a servant any more, but doesn't mean I could not tend to my  _husband_ . Now, have your breakfast before I helped you get ready..."   
  
Arthur gave her an amused glanced before throwing his arms in defeat. "Yes! I know... I know, I'm  _hopeless_  without Merlin..." he said, as he sat on the chair to eat his breakfast.   
  
And to think that Merlin having magic was not  _enough_  of a problem...   
  
xxx   
  
"Gaius... how's Merlin?"   
  
The old physician looked up towards the young king before letting out a long sigh.   
  
"No changes...", he said before raising a hand to stop Arthur from interrupting. "I don't think his injuries were an issue here. Sire, I believe you've said something earlier about Merlin being hurt badly... and the great dragon? What really happened the other day? Since I suppose... that's how you found out... about Merlin."   
  
Arthur sighed, before glancing towards the door to make sure it was closed.   
  
"It's Morgana. Somehow during the patrols, she caused the whole forest to become so foggy until you could barely see anything in front of you," Arthur started saying before taking a stool to sit.   
  
"Suddenly I was thrown out of my horse. Something started attacking me at odd angles after that and somehow... while I was trying to avoid and parry the attacks, little by little I was led towards the edge of the cliff. The fog had lessened by then and that was when I saw her. Morgana managed to throw off my sword with her magic and just as she was about to finish me off... Merlin—"   
  
Arthur frowned before turning towards Gaius. "Why did you keep this from me? How long have Merlin been practising magic? Don't you realize—"   
  
"I kept this from you because I don't want Merlin to be  _harmed_ . And Merlin have no intention to hurt you, considering it was his  _destiny_  to protect you so that you can become the great king you  _are_  now!" Gaius argued as Arthur glanced at him warily. "Uther would not understand! And you had often seen the dark side of the people who used magic, how could you possibly be able to accept him as he is? And if only Morgana haven't interfered when Merlin tried to save your father—"   
  
Arthur looked at Gaius in surprise. "Wait.  _Merlin_  tried to save my father? That time it was _Dragoon_  who—" he gasped as he began connecting the pieces together.   
  
"You mean that old man was—And  _that_  other time you said that you were protecting Dragoon... so it was Merlin—!" Gaius covered his mouth in stunned surprise at what he had just slipped before Arthur realized something.   
  
"Wait... what did you mean...  _Morgana_  had something to do with my father's death?"   
  
Gaius sighed as he tried to massage the headache that had started to form at the side of his head.   
  
"The day when Uther died, I noticed that there was a medallion placed on him. I sensed an enchantment on it that would reverse the effect of a healing spell cast on the wearer and multiplied it several times over." Gaius turned towards Arthur.   
  
"Your father wouldn't have stood a chance against it!" he said before shrugging. "Though, finding out about the medallion was slightly... a  _relief_  of some sort," Gaius gave Arthur a meaningful look before continuing, "Merlin was not particularly  _good_  about casting healing spells and he did feel as if he had cast the spell wrongly. You may not realized it then, but Merlin really did feel regretful that he didn't succeed in saving Uther—regardless how much he disliked Uther."   
  
Arthur let out a sigh as he recalled that time when he had come out from his mourning to find Merlin waiting by his side. He never realised that  _sorry_  Merlin said at that time held any other meaning than what he had thought. He never realized—and of course Merlin would not have liked his father so much, seeing the injustice his father had done to people like him. And at that moment he realized... that first time  _Dragoon_  had appeared, no doubt that was all to  _save_  Gwen. And the fact that  _Dragoon—_ Merlin—tried to save his father... was that all because of... him?   
  
Arthur would have started to cry had Gaius not interrupted him.   
  
"Anyhow Arthur, back to Merlin... I do not think that his injuries had anything to do with him not waking up."   
  
Arthur nodded,  _yes... that should make sense_ —considering that the great dragon should have healed the worst of Merlin's injuries "—What?"   
  
Gaius stared at him sharply. "I've had my doubts, but then you mentioned Morgana and Merlin revealing himself to you without thinking—I had the suspicion that  _this_  was done by Merlin  _himself_ ! I'd understand that casting a powerful magic in his condition might take a toll on his body but this was already pushing it too long! This should not  _just_  be fatigue over his use of magic  _or_  his injuries. The only remaining answer would be that... Merlin  _refused_  to wake up."   
  
Arthur blinked. "What? Why would Merlin—?"   
  
"What did you do? What have you done when you saw Merlin did magic in front of you?"   
  
Arthur stared at Gaius accusing face with shocked alarm. "I did  _nothing_ ! I was so surprised to see him doing magic I can't even think! It was hard to think properly after seeing Merlin suddenly becoming too heroic by trying to block a  _fireball_  with a sword and later getting hurt,  _as well as_  seeing him cast a  _very_ powerful magic towards Morgana! I think every single person would have certainly be stunned about that!"   
  
Gaius shook his head. "Merlin used to think that he was a  _monster_  for having magic and he was always  _fearful_  that you would think of him  _differently_  once you've found out—I can't bear thinking that Merlin would do this to himself..."   
  
"A monster?"   
  
Gaius turned towards Arthur hastily to see the look of alarm on the king's face before Arthur shook his head repeatedly.   
  
"How could that idiot—!" Arthur started to say before dashing out of the physician's chamber leaving the older man aghast.   
  
"Sire... Arthur! Where are you going?" cried the old man before sighing heavily.   
  
xxx   
  
KLANK! KLANK! CHING!   
  
The younger knight who had been holding up the shield for Arthur groaned softly under his breath as the young king paid no heed to the young man's plight. He must have not expected training to become the knight of Camelot would be  _this_  tough. Arthur continued releasing his pent up frustrations on the new recruits as he battled with the many thoughts swirling inside of his head.   
  
_Monster? Merlin's no monster!_ , Arthur thought angrily as he swung his sword against the shield without mercy. No matter what had been his thoughts about magic... no matter what his thoughts might be about  _Merlin_  having magic... he could never...  _ever_  thought of Merlin as being a monster. How could Merlin think that he would...?   
  
That issue about Merlin's  _lies_ ... the secrets he kept from him... putting that all aside—he could not believe that Merlin could think that he would...   
  
Then again, it was not like he had tried too hard to make Merlin think that Arthur's only impression of his manservant was as a reckless fool who often spend the most of his time at the  _tavern_ . Still, his impression on Merlin had never... and will never be that  _low_ . They had been friends for a very long time... how could Merlin—?   
  
Arthur paused from attacking the young knight in front of him as he recalled another thought...   
  
His faith on Gwen to have sincerely loved him had been easily shattered due to that horrid sight he rather not recall again. How harsh he had treated Gwen then, despite his feelings for her...? Just because he had believed that Gwen had fully betrayed him for the love he had for her. Did Merlin think the same thing would happen to  _him_ ?   
  
_Oh Merlin..._   
  
Arthur dropped his sword unceremoniously before telling the knights to continue training without him. He hastily rushed towards the armoury before taking out Excalibur from the sword stand.   
  
" _You have to believe... Arthur..."_   
  
He recalled how Merlin tried to restore his faith after he himself had given up the notion that he could become a good king for Camelot...   
  
" _You're destined to be Albion's greatest king. Nothing not even a stone could stand in your way..."_   
  
Merlin had never lost faith in him, regardless of many difficulties they have faced in the past. Yet, was he... Arthur Pendragon, the young king who had been supported by this not so simple-minded  _servant_ ... going to lose faith on the man who had strongly and loyally supported him in secret all these times—just because Merlin had magic? Was he such an ungrateful king to have done such a thing to a  _friend_ ?   
  
Arthur placed the hilt of his sword to his chest as he closed his eyes.   
  
No... he was not that kind of a person...


	6. Flashback 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post Season 4. Pre-Vigil. Arthur cannot sleep...

Arthur rolled around his bed uncomfortably as he could not make himself fall asleep, despite it was midnight now. He wondered if he should... go to Gwen's chambers but no, he should not disturb her sleep. And if he went off to Gwen, there would be higher chance that he would confide with her about the Merlin issue... and he did not want additional pressure from  _her_  to try resolve this problem immediately. Since he expected her to side with Merlin. Merlin was  _her_ friend too.   
  
But what else he could do? If this long unconscious spell was of Merlin's own doing, what could he do to snap Merlin out of it? He had been thinking about this over and over ever since Gaius told him of his assumptions, but he just could not find a solution! It was not as if he could do magic... and Gaius admitted himself that he had been rustic in it that he feared he would have harmed Merlin more than heal—so what other choices did he have?   
  
" _Well... you could have just_ _**talk** _ _to the young man..._ "   
  
Arthur immediately sat up in surprise as he found the sorceress, sitting at the foot of his bed. Nimueh. Come to think it had been a  _very_  long time since he saw her since. What did she want from him now...?   
  
The sorceress just shrugged and smiled at him—and for some reason, Arthur did not feel any menace coming from her. Just like that time when they have first met in the Forest of Balor...   
  
" _Don't be so tense, I'm already dead. There's no way I could ever be able to harm you, even if I wanted to."_   
  
Arthur blinked. Dead? How...?   
  
The ghostly apparition just shrugged.  _" _Well, if you_ _ **are**_ _curious about it, it had been the work of your **dear** servant. Though I cannot say I had been bitter about it. Not any more..._"_   
  
He frowned. Merlin killed Nimueh? How... when?   
  
Nimueh's spirit smiled. " __Simply put, I've given up my life so that you could continue to live. However indirectly that may be. You may ask your dear servant Merlin about it later._ "_   
  
As if he could, seeing that at the moment Merlin was not in  _any_  condition to even be  _talkative_ .   
  
"What do you want, Nimueh? Taunt me of my foolishness from the depth of the netherworld?"   
  
Nimueh shook her head. " _What a rude way of talking, not befitting of a noble king. You could at least treat me a bit nicely, considering I had a hand in bringing_ _**you** _ _into this world_ ."   
  
Arthur glared at her. "At the cost of my mother's life!" he sneered as Nimueh did not appear offended by the tone of the voice.   
  
" _A loss that I have not been able to predict. Had I known that your birth would lead to Ygraine's death, as well as the tragedy that your father unleashed after that—I would not have helped Uther on his request. While I did know that a life is needed to be sacrificed in order to create another, I have not predicted it to be your mother's. A balance needs to be maintained, unfortunately._ "   
  
"And I ask again, what are you after?"   
  
Nimueh shook her head." _Nothing_ .  _Only that you did not make the same mistake as Uther did_ .  _You could_ _**save** _ _your dear friend, Merlin_ . _I think you've realised it already that as much as he_ _**needed** _ _you, you also_ _**needed** _ _him._ "   
  
Arthur stared at her suspiciously. "Why should you care? Haven't you tried to kill me before... and Merlin alongside?"   
  
The spirit shrugged. " __But that was_ _ **before**_ _I learnt of the destiny both of you shared_. _Before I realised my mistake to try harming Merlin for interfering with my vengeance_. _It was_ _ **Uther**_ _whom my hatred lies, not the either of you_. _I had been blinded by my own sorrows and rage to notice that_."_   
  
Arthur sighed. "Regardless, all of that are useless now. I have no idea how to wake Merlin up. And Gaius said... if this keeps on continuing, Merlin's body would weaken even more and he'll die."   
  
Nimueh shook her head before placing a ghostly hand on his cheek. Arthur shivered at the touch.   
  
_" _No, there_ _ **is**_ _a way_.  _Talk to Merlin, even if it may seem that he could not hear you. Because he_ _ **will**_ _, as both of you shared a **very**  strong bond with each other. Speak out your true feelings to him... give Merlin the courage that he needed from you. And fulfil your destinies together...,_" _ said Nimueh again before she started to fade away.   
  
"Wai—"   
  
xxx   
  
Arthur opened his eyes towards sunlight. Confused, he slowly got up from his bed and glanced around his chambers to make sure that he was truly awake. He scratched the side of his head.   
  
Was that a dream? He did not remember actually falling asleep at all last night. Then again, not that he could explain how he had been able to converse with a  _supposedly_  dead sorceress who was  __supposedly_ _  killed by his magic-wielding servant.   
  
Arthur frowned as he recalled the words Nimueh had spoken to him last night.   
  
__Would that work?_ _ , he wondered. Gaius  _did_  said that it was most likely that Merlin had been the one that caused this. The old man told him about what happened before, when Arthur had gone to the Forest of Balor to get the antidote to the poison Merlin had consumed. While unconscious... and feverish, Merlin still tried to reach out towards him using the magic that he had. Arthur never thought that Merlin had been responsible for that ball of light—much less even capable of casting a spell while he was still unconscious. All that, in order to keep him safe... despite the reason he had gone to the Forest of Balor that time was to save  _Merlin_ .    
  
Just how powerful—and self-sacrificing—could Merlin be...?   
  
Anyhow, he did not think he could just suddenly go down to Gaius's chambers and talk to Merlin right away. There were still tons of things he needed to do today...   
  
Perhaps, he would come tonight. Not that he had been able to get any  _proper_  sleep these days...   
  
xxx   
  
Arthur closed the door behind him slowly so as to not make any noise. Luckily Gaius did not question him a lot on his reasons to visit Merlin so late.   
  
He sighed as he grabbed a nearby stool and sat near the bedside to watch over Merlin. He placed a hand on Merlin's cheek before noticing how pale he had been since the last time he had seen him. Much paler that he usually see on Merlin.   
  
He cleared his throat slowly, hoping that his voice had been low enough that Gaius would not be able to hear from outside the room.   
  
"It's quite late... don't you think?" he said suddenly before running a finger to brush away some stray hair, covering Merlin's closed eyes.   
  
"You must be wondering what this  _dollop-head_  was doing sitting here by your side talking nonsense. Well, I am a dollop-head indeed... if it took this long for me to be able to think carefully about things. Because... if you haven't gotten hurt and made yourself like this, I might have done something I would have  _regretted_ doing... to you."   
  
Arthur sighed. "Merlin... wake up. You don't have to worry about polishing my armour, cleaning my room... muck my stables, as well as the rest of the things I usually sent you off to do. We'll get to that when you're better." He felt his cheeks burning before turning to check to see if the door was still closed. He turned back towards Merlin. "I missed you... idiot. You can't leave me with  _George_  as a servant for the rest of my life! I missed your annoying voice and presence near me!"   
  
Arthur sighed again as he stared into nothing. Truthfully, he never thought Merlin could affect his life so much like this in a span of a few years. Never thought Merlin could become such an important and irreplaceable presence by his side. Never could he imagined...   
  
Arthur continued letting his mind wander over the things that had happened in the past as he wondered how fate... and  _destiny_  could have bound them so closely together. He continued watching Merlin softly breathing in and out... as if he had only been sleeping  _normally_  like any other people on any other nights and not because of some other  _life-threatening_  causes.   
  
Not sure how long he had been deep in his own contemplation, but gradually... his eyes started getting misty, his head drooping every other second... his body getting tired. Arthur rested his head at the side of Merlin's bed before sleep overtaken his senses.


	7. Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post Season 4. Set during Vigil. The dream must end at one point.

"Oi!"   
  
Merlin blinked as he looked up to see Arthur staring down at him, as both of them were crouching at a corner of a room.   
  
_Now **this**  was an odd dream._   
  
For a while now, he had been stuck in a number of unpleasant dreams. There was that part where he replayed that unpleasant memories where he had to poison Morgana over and over, there was another where he always had been trying to save Freya to no avail; as each dreams would always end with her dying in his arms. There were also those dreams where he saw his own execution... either by fire or by the executioner's axe. Yet the very fact that he did  _realized_  that he was indeed trapped inside the world of dreams was the oddest notion.   
  
But  _this_ ... he had not expected this.   
  
"You've been hiding out for too long... haven't you?"   
  
Of course... or did Arthur meant something  _else_  about him  _hiding_ , had they been playing hide and seek now?   
  
_Or was this reality?_   
  
"Come on... I admit it, I  _am_  a prat, a dollop-head!"   
  
Merlin stared at  _this_  Arthur for a very long time.   
  
Yep, this was  _definitely_  a dream. Albeit an amusing one. It was still funny though, to see Arthur actually  _admitting_  that he was a dollop-head. Even if it was just a dream.   
  
"Merlin  _please_ ... come back. I missed you...  _terribly_ ."   
  
"Even if I have magic?"   
  
Arthur did not seemed to be hearing his replies as he kept talking.   
  
"I don't  _want_  to have  _George_  continue to be my servant! I want you back... it's more comfortable to hear you scolding me... chiding me... calling me names..."   
  
Merlin felt himself grinning. This was such a nice dream... for a change. A funny one too. Please do not let it end? It was not always you could hear Arthur saying these kinds of things about himself...   
  
Yet... Arthur  _did_  looked a bit miserable now.   
  
"Please... I  _need_  you..." said Arthur again.   
  
And then the dream decided to be  _really_ funny and turned Arthur into a donkey and Merlin laughed.   
  
xxx   
  
Merlin opened his eyes to find himself back inside his dimly-lit room.  _Oh... I'm back._   
  
Little by little the memories of the incident a few days past crept into his mind as he recalled what he had done. Honestly, he had been acting without thinking. But that time... when it almost seemed that he was about to die anyway, none of it mattered. As long as he could keep Arthur safe...   
  
_"Merlin..."_   
  
He was afraid. No... he  _had_  been very afraid. He had been expecting this would come as a shock to Arthur... though his expression  _then_  had been less angry then he had been that time in Ealdor. Yet, he could not allow himself to hope too much for Arthur's understanding.   
  
_Arthur rarely listened to what I said... after all._   
  
When Kilgharrah saved them, he was barely conscious to be able to assess the situation. But with its appearance as well as seeing his magic, he might as well wait for Arthur's sentence on him. Even though Kilgharrah tried to convince him that things would be all right...   
  
At least, until he passed out again.   
  
He admitted that he was—this time—being a bit of a coward. Who would not be, if they were stuck between two very difficult situation. Merlin could not bear... hurting Arthur, or make Arthur  _think_  that he had betrayed him by hiding the fact he had magic from him. Rather than seeing Arthur get hurt... better himself to bear all the hurts.   
  
"Merlin..."   
  
Merlin blinked. That voice... it could not be...!   
  
He turned his head to his side to find a  _very_  familiar blond head resting at his bedside. His heart clenched at the sight, could it be that his  _dream_  earlier was not actually his imagination? Were those words...  _really_  had been spoken by Arthur?   
  
Merlin smiled weakly. Arthur looked kind of adorable from this angle. Suddenly he heard some more muffled mumblings as Arthur continued talking in his sleep. He snorted.  _Yep, definitely adorable_ .   
  
He tried to reach his hand out towards Arthur as his hand grazed the side of the noble king's head.  _What a dollop-head_ . But his favourite dollop-head regardless...   
  
"Hey...  _dollop-head_ ," Merlin started to say, as his voice sounded raspy. "You're sleeping on the  _wrong_  bed! The wrong side of  _someone else's_  bed even. Go back to your room!"   
  
Merlin continued poking and ruffling that fluffy head as it seemed that said king was actually  _enjoying_  it. Eventually Arthur stirred and got up almost abruptly.   
  
"Merlin! You woke up!" said the sleepy head. Merlin smiled weakly as the prat spoke again. "You made it... I thought you're going to die!"   
  
He sighed. As expected of Arthur, to react over him like this. But how long would it last? He recalled that time when Arthur had stared up towards him with the look of shock and disbelief. He recalled that time in Ealdor when Arthur had shouted at him after seeing that strong whirlwind he had conjured.   
  
"Well... for now."


End file.
